Most fright fiends will happily give you a TED Talk about their favorite classic movie monster or have a Perry Mason-level defense prepared for the cinematic merit of Troma films. However, a person’s answer to “Who’s your favorite final girl?” can tell you a lot more about them than their zodiac sign.
Behind every silver screen slasher is a formidable final girl ready to outwit the big bad. Entire volumes have been written by horror fans through the years, waxing poetic about their favorite villains. However, within the past few decades, final girls have been getting their fair share of accolades for their contributions to the genre.
The Horror Villains We Need. The Final Girls We Deserve.
My crackpot theory is that your favorite horror movie icon speaks to the traits you aspire to have — Freddy Krueger’s humor, Jason Voorhees’ endurance, Pinhead’s eloquence, or Candyman’s artistic sensibilities and sweet wardrobe, to name a few. Horror villains are larger than life and command power over others. We’re drawn to how they wield that power. Given that the horror movie genre can be a haven for the outcast, many horror fans find ourselves rooting for the monster, often because they embody traits we wish we had.
It takes a strong, emotionally resonant protagonist to pry our loyalties from a horror film’s antagonist and make us cheer for them instead. While your favorite horror movie villain represents who you want to be, your favorite final girl — the intended victim who fights back — represents the qualities you already have. When you embrace those qualities, they can be your best weapon for survival and success.
To celebrate silver scream survivors and learn a little about ourselves in the process, here’s a gang of gore-drenched gals who are at the head of their slash. Did your final girl make the cut? Let’s get down to it and find out what your favorite horror heroine says about your strengths and weaknesses!
Laurie Strode (Halloween)
If Laurie Strode — The Pride of Haddonfield — is your fave final girl, you’re a trailblazer who goes your own way, but still embraces tradition. You believe in capsule wardrobes with statement accessories, doomsday prepping Martha Stewart-style, and Thanksgiving dinners comprised of classic side dishes — but no turkey. (That whole carving thing doesn’t quite sit well with you.) You’re family-oriented and protective of those you love, but have a tendency towards paranoia. You’ve seen some shit and just want to spare loved ones from having to experience trauma themselves, even though you run the risk of perpetuating that trauma by being overprotective. Also, no one gives you enough credit for having a spectacular rack.
Kirsty Cotton (Hellraiser)
You may seem like the token “normie” among the goth kids, but your upbringing makes you far more at home flying your freak flag than initial glances indicate. That’s because your family is fucked up. Like, really fucked up. You desperately want to see the best in your loved ones and are sometimes too trusting. You’re not an enabler, but are resourceful enough to pick and choose your battles carefully. You’ve had extensive training in this area, given that you’ve seen family reunions devolve into scenarios that would make Jerry Springer cringe. That said, you would literally walk into Hell to save your loved ones — and sometimes, total strangers. You have a knack for solving puzzles and are typically the first one in your friend group to figure out that day’s Wordle.
Nancy Thompson (Nightmare On Elm St)
You have a heart of gold. But, damn! Can you hold a grudge! You’re methodical, a planner, and slightly nerdy. You do your homework and consistently understand the assignment. Best of all, you’re there to help others learn without being an annoying know-it-all about it. You appreciate a strong cup of coffee and the value of staying caffeinated at all times. When you have a goal in mind, nothing can stop you from reaching it — whether that’s pursuing a degree in psychology or finding a way to bring down the child-murderer-turned-nightmare-haunting demon who iced your boyfriend, several friends, and your alcoholic mother. Despite your deep trauma, you maintain a generally upbeat attitude and don’t crack under pressure. Style-wise, you’re a big believer in signature looks. And while striped sweaters definitely aren’t your thing, you do appreciate a good set of power pajamas and proudly embrace those hard-won gray streaks. Box dye and Freddy, be damned!
Sidney Prescott (Scream)
You’re smart. You’re resourceful. You’re resilient. And you’re flypaper for freaks. Oh, honey. You just can’t catch a break. Yet, even when everyone around you manages to be a colossal disappointment (to say the least), you keep on truckin’ and still retain a sense of empathy. You’re relentlessly independent. Given your track record with the people around you, I can’t say I blame you. You consistently rise to the occasion when presented with insurmountable tasks like dealing with high body counts, unmasking a slew of serial killers or copycat murderers, and mass marketing your pain to profit from all that terror and isolation you’ve experienced. Brené Brown ain’t got shit on you when it comes to self-help books! In addition to being fearless in the face of adversity, you’re not afraid to switch up your style and rock a new ‘do. And while you can pull off any look, please have a talk with your friend Gale about those god awful baby bangs. Oof!
Sally Hardesty (Texas Chainsaw Massacre)
You’re messy. And not just because you’re covered in the blood of your friends and family members. You absolutely panic in a crisis, yet manage to fail upward with spectacular results. You frequently find yourself in dire straits, but manage to miraculously Florence Foster Jenkins your way out of them by sheer, dumb luck and instinctively doing what you have to in order to survive. That said, you don’t really have a plan. You’re purely reactive when things go south, taking a passive approach to situations. When push comes to shove, you won’t fight back against those who stand against you. To be fair, when those antagonists happen to be cannibalistic, chainsaw-wielding hillbillies, most people would probably shit their pants, too. However, you’re tougher and more observant than people realize, with an uncanny ability to spot exits in a dilapidated shack, a sale, or a pickup truck a mile away.
Sienna Shaw (Terrifier 2)
You might not be an original, but your (super)natural talents make you better equipped for the job than your predecessors. Kind of like Maggie Gyllenhaal replacing Katie Holmes in the Dark Knight flicks. And much like a Batman paramour, you have serious issues with clowns. You’ve encountered more than your fair share of tragedy, which makes you incredibly protective of others. You’re good at compartmentalizing heavy shit. One minute, you’re a beacon of empathy to others in need of comfort. Moments later, you can switch modes and open up a family-sized can of whoop ass. You can be impulsive to the point that it feels like a death wish powered by a combo of grief and survivor’s guilt, transforming loss and fear into swift action. You embody the phrase, “Take your broken heart and turn it into art.” (Or “Art.”) As a distraction from the 15-piece matching luggage set worth of trauma you cart around, you frequently immerse yourself in hobbies. You’re really into journaling, DIY, and cosplay. In fact, you might even feel more like yourself when wearing your costume battle armor than you do in jeans and a t-shirt.
Favorite Final Girls Wrap-Up
So, there you have six of the all-time greatest final girls. Depending on who you gravitate towards, each of these archetypes have something to say about the best and worst traits in all of us.
Didn’t see your favorite here? Welp… It was tough narrowing the field. Yes, I could have added more. Hell, I could have done an entire series on the many, many final girls of the Scream franchise alone or included some exemplary “final dudes.” (Here’s lookin’ at you, Kincaid from Nightmare On Elm St. 3: Dream Warriors.) But that would have made this article way too long. (It’s a blog — not a dissertation, damnit!)
Besides, if horror movies have taught us anything, it’s to always save room for a sequel.
Photo By: Kaboompics.com