Objects I’ve Been Hit In the Head With: A Lot of Rocks

When you're beaned in the head with a variety of things, you sometimes forget the lengthy list of objects that have made contact with your skull. During my 45 years on this planet, those objects include, but are not limited to: a baseball bat, a 110 camera, a really sweet platform boot, and (my personal favorite) a door off its hinges. When mentally rattling off ...

A Letter to 11-Year-Old Me

Dear 11-year-old Lana, You're not gonna believe this shit, but this is Future Lana writing to you from the year 2020. Crazy, right? Speaking of crazy, that word doesn't even begin to describe this year. Remember how you were obsessed with and creeped out by that "In The Year 2525" song that Mom used to play on the Oldies channel? Welp, 2020 isn't quite that weird, but ...

Semi-Inspirational Quotes To Get You Through

Life's hard. Sometimes you need a bit of inspiration to get you through. I'm not talking about those bullshit inspirational quotes that appear in front of a stock image of a sunset: "Follow your bliss" or "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best." Or those alpha douchebag quotes that are almost always accompanied by a photo of a ...

5 Songs That Prove Bob Seger Sings the Music of Regret

Some artists are known for common themes in their work: Degas painted ballerinas. Thomas Hardy colored his work with broad strokes of fatalism. And Bob Seger sings about regret. No matter what you regret in life, Bob Seger's got a song about it. Bummed about a one-night stand? Reflecting on your youth and how you squandered it? Not feeling the current musical landscape and yearning for ...

Cheez Doodles: The Legend of the Swiss Cheese Pervert

Updated June 2014: This blog post was originally published on March 25, 2009 -- five years before Philadelphia's Swiss Cheese Pervert escalated his activities and began driving around the region, flashing his cold cuts and asking unsuspecting women if they wouldn't mind watching him get his rocks off while he diddled himself with dairy.  The Swiss Cheese Pervert was eventually apprehended and plead guilty to indecent exposure and harassment ...

5 Unorthodox Life Lessons From Dad

I was lucky enough to have had a cool dad. A really cool dad. The kind of dad who would help you smuggle contraband rock albums into the house and help you hide them from Mom. The kind of dad who knew you couldn't afford action figures, so he'd make awesome, handmade paper dolls of your favorite cartoon characters. The kind of dad who made ...

The Politics & Pressure of Prom

Imagine an event so magical and monumental that it involves months of planning and preparation. An event that promises an enchanted evening filled with romance, formal attire, dancing, multiple regrets, and a drain on your bank account.  If you think I'm talking about a wedding, think again. The prom has long held an important place in the high school landscape. (Umm... Carrie, anyone?) However, the importance ...

Wrestlemania XXX: An End to The Streak & Childhood

Death. Taxes. The Undertaker maintaining his fabled winning streak at Wrestlemania.Three things that you assume are  inevitable. Yet, on April 6th, 2014,  on "The Grandest Stage of Them All," the Undertaker's 21-0 streak came to an end with Brock Lesnar putting a blemish on the legend's perfect record. Fans were stunned. Hell, the match's finish was so stunning that it was probably a contributing factor in ...

Perverted Pop Songs with Double-Standards

It's a tale old as time: Perfect pop princes reap the benefit of hit songs that, upon closer examination, would make you think twice about accepting a drink from them. By contrast, when metal bands like Steel Panther, GWAR, or The Mentors write blatantly and hilariously perverse songs, some listeners who aren't in on the joke wind up clutching their proverbial pearls. It's a vicious double ...

In Defense of Seth MacFarlane: Oscar Host

Everyone's a critic. Moreover, everyone's a critic with an overwhelming, virtually Victorian sense of propriety - particularly when it comes to those who host the Oscars. Seth MacFarlane, Family Guy creator and voice of trash-talking stuffed bear Ted, met with mixed reviews for his turn as emcee at the 85th Academy Awards on February 24, 2013. Critics derided MacFarlane's melange of crude humor and Old Hollywood ...