Happy Birthday, Mom … from The Coozi Fan Club

July 26, 2011 - Today would have been my Mom's 60th birthday. It's been nearly six years since she's been gone. I still miss her and think about her and my father every day. My brother and I were fortunate to have two parents were colorful characters who fostered every creative dream we had, who knew how to be a friend to their kids, and ...

The Summer of Severus: My New / Old Pretend Boyfriend

"Dear Severus Snape, With my pretend boyfriend Damon from "The Vampire Diaries" away and off TV for now, I was wondering if you would like to renew our pretend courtship for the summer? Look, I know you're still hung up on your dearly departed Lily Evans-Potter, and I have a boyfriend who actually exists, even though he accompanies me to so few public events that my ...

Searching For a New Diogenes

The past few weeks, I've been engaging in a bit of internet detox, partly inspired by reading Nikki Sixx's book, This Is Gonna Hurt; partly inspired by my good friend MB; and partly due to recognizing my own unhealthy compulsion with checking what's going on in the world via Facebook and Twitter -- among other sites that deliver more "talking heads" than actual news. Sure, ...

The Importance of Having a Pretend Boyfriend: A Scamper Down “Delusional Drive”

The end of the television season is just around the corner and it's going to be a loooooonnnng wait until September. And not just because summer television programming is awful. No. I'm going to miss my boyfriend. My pretend boyfriend, to be exact. I have a real boyfriend, mind you. The same one for 13 years. We get along great and enjoy one another's company. I don't have ...

Charlie Sheen and the Lost Art of the Rock Star

For years, I counted rock stars among my personal heroes right up there with Mae West, Tupac,  Larry Flynt, and my parents. The term "rock star," before it had been co-opted by the general public, roped in against its will into that awful chasm of cliché, "party like a rock star," used to stand for someone who was brilliant within their chosen career path, played ...

Jeopardy’s Watson: John Henry vs. Skynet

This week, Jeopardy took a break from its standard format of three humans playing against each other and did something different. The venerable quiz show brought back two of its most noteworthy contestants and pit them against a machine to see which would emerge victorious. The returning contestants were Ken Jennings, best known for his 74-game winning streak on Jeopardy; and Brad Rutter, the game ...

Celebrity Food Oddities

Weirdness and celebrities go hand in hand.  Which is why it seems even weirder when you slap a celeb's picture on the packaging of edible goods.  For some unexplained reason, I happen to get a big kick out of seeing a star's picture on something so "ordinary" as food.  Some celebrities you look at and can scarcely believe they eat, let alone would lend their likeness to ...

Bears Are Assholes

Bears are assholes. I’m sure some people will disagree with this statement on the basis that a bear is an animal and only acting according to his nature. I will counter that by saying that it is within a bear’s nature to be an asshole. It seems that they are one of the few animals that will attack and eat humans regardless of whether or ...

McDonald’s Premium Roast: Two Splendas, Extra Douche

I didn’t think it was possible, but Madison Avenue has given me someone else to hate even more than the FreeCreditReport.com douchebag.  Although my hatred of the “Credit Score Whore,” has waned and given way to a begrudging tolerance of his presence on my television screen, commercials following the one I had initially written about bore him out to be less of an opportunistic ass than ...

John and Kate Fuel My Hate

Is America sick of John and Kate Plus 8? TLC doesn’t seem to think so as evidenced by their ad nauseum marathoning of the show this weekend in 24 hour blocks. As if the steady stream of online tabloid reports on the fertile philanderers’ daily doings wasn’t enough, TLC has gone into John and Kate overload, hyping the newest season of their reality TV show ...