2am Thoughts: The Legend of Scattin’ Sam

Laying awake at 2am in the dark, my mind drifted to thoughts of the upcoming Spring holidays, Easter and Passover. Both involve a visitation by a mystical entity: the Easter Bunny and the Angel of Death. One brings delightful baskets of candy to good little boys and girls. The other brings, well, death -- unless you've taken the precaution of smearing some lamb's blood over ...

Beauty in Garbage

On my way to Wawa this morning, I walked past an empty bottle of Coors and a tied-up bag of dog turds lying next to each other on the sidewalk. And then a butterfly floated past. If that's not an image of hope -- that something beautiful can still happen, even if you've had shitty beer and a handful of dog doo -- I don't ...

Everyone Is Struggling

Everyone is struggling with something. Like the woman in the stall next to me, trying to drop a deuce, grunting and trying to make that poo log hit the bowl. I was on vacation, having finished a hearty breakfast of watermelon, hot tea, and French toast at a local pancake house. Me being the "regular gal" I am, 20 minutes after that hot tea and food ...

Not Just Poop: Other Weird Things You Find Working in a Library

Philadelphia has its share of colorful characters who have a penchant for disturbing, yet hilarious antics. We can proudly lay claim to being the home of the Swiss Cheese Pervert and now we can look to nearby Bryn Mawr for our latest noteworthy miscreant: the guy who took a dump in his local library.  According to a cadre of librarians from around the country quoted by ...

Objects I Have Been Hit In the Head With – Part 2 of 4

Welcome back for Part 2 of a four-part series on (as the title suggests) "Objects I Have Been Hit In the Head With." This next object made contact with my head a year and a half after the previous one (a vintage 1970s stacked heel boot). And believe you me, this next object was a good deal heavier and a lot scarier than being clobbered ...

Delightfully Dysfunctional Holiday Traditions

We all have our Christmas traditions. Not so surprisingly, many of these family traditions -- no matter where we come from, our ethnic backgrounds, or how old we may be -- are the same for a lot of us: Tree-trimming. Fighting. Boozing. Sometimes all at the same time. To bastardize Charles Dickens: "God help us. Every one." In our house, putting up the tree was put off ...

The Magical Mildew Tour: My Ugly Bathroom

Let's not sugar coat this or dick around with a flurry of pretty words: I have the world's worst bathroom. Period. While I love every other room of my awesome, spacious, two-bedroom apartment; there are few, if any, good qualities about its bathroom. It's relatively small. It's hot. It's poorly conceived. In short, my bathroom is ugly and it sucks. The only redeeming factor about my bathroom is ...

Havin’ a Hot Dog at Thug’s Mansion: Memories of Dad

If some of the blogs, websites, and Facebook rantings I've seen online this week for Father's Day are any indicator, a lot of people really don't like their fathers. Real or perceived, I'm sure some of these people have legit reasons for their feelings. While horror movies are top heavy with psycho moms, real life seems to be rampant with psycho dads who aren't nearly ...

Searching For a New Diogenes

The past few weeks, I've been engaging in a bit of internet detox, partly inspired by reading Nikki Sixx's book, This Is Gonna Hurt; partly inspired by my good friend MB; and partly due to recognizing my own unhealthy compulsion with checking what's going on in the world via Facebook and Twitter -- among other sites that deliver more "talking heads" than actual news. Sure, ...

Poop: The Great Equalizer – Part (droppin’ a) Deux

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted about my poop.  I was reminded of this watching an episode of House on Monday in which the Patient of the Week was a chronic blogger who wrote about everything – except her own poop.  When the titular catankerous M.D. asked her why she didn’t, she said because it was “gross” and not something people would be interested in.  Apparently, ...