2am Thoughts: The Legend of Scattin’ Sam

Laying awake at 2am in the dark, my mind drifted to thoughts of the upcoming Spring holidays, Easter and Passover. Both involve a visitation by a mystical entity: the Easter Bunny and the Angel of Death. One brings delightful baskets of candy to good little boys and girls. The other brings, well, death -- unless you've taken the precaution of smearing some lamb's blood over ...

5 Unorthodox Life Lessons From Dad

I was lucky enough to have had a cool dad. A really cool dad. The kind of dad who would help you smuggle contraband rock albums into the house and help you hide them from Mom. The kind of dad who knew you couldn't afford action figures, so he'd make awesome, handmade paper dolls of your favorite cartoon characters. The kind of dad who made ...

Delightfully Dysfunctional Holiday Traditions

We all have our Christmas traditions. Not so surprisingly, many of these family traditions -- no matter where we come from, our ethnic backgrounds, or how old we may be -- are the same for a lot of us: Tree-trimming. Fighting. Boozing. Sometimes all at the same time. To bastardize Charles Dickens: "God help us. Every one." In our house, putting up the tree was put off ...

Take This Bird and Stuff It: A Cynic’s Guide to Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving used to be a low-maintenance holiday. Now, with everyone in a mad rush to jump into an early grave, Thanksgiving has become the pre-game show to Christmas. Worse yet, many employers use the three-day Thanksgiving work week to bust the balls of employees and try to squeeze five days worth of work into three. That's if you happen to have a job that closes ...

The End is Nigh: Justin M. Bieber, Attorney at Law

The past few days following the Christmas holiday have yielded several memorable SEPTA commutes to work.  The buses are running on schedule with most of the holiday jumpers who enjoy flinging themselves onto the tracks in a desperate cry for attention help having already gotten it out of their system.  The buses are also curiously quiet with many of the public and private schooligans at ...

Fart the Herald Angels Sing: A Christmas Shopping Story

Is anyone else burnt out on all this “holiday cheer”? Days before Halloween — not even before Thanksgiving – Rite Aid aisles were already clogged with tinsel, wrapping paper, and Santa Claus hats right alongside wolfman masks. It wasn’t even Thanksgiving yet, and radio stations had been “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” non-stop. One of my co-workers (who I actually like a lot, her wretched taste in ...