Objects I Have Been Hit In the Head With – Part 1 of 4

I have a very thick skull. This can be said of me in both a literal and figurative sense. On numerous occasions, I've accidentally butted my boyfriend's head with my own. It barely registered with me, but sure gave him a headache. Consequentially, my boyfriend's pet name for me is "The Juggernaut," a nod to the musclebound villain of the X-Men franchise who wears an over-sized ...

Delightfully Dysfunctional Holiday Traditions

We all have our Christmas traditions. Not so surprisingly, many of these family traditions -- no matter where we come from, our ethnic backgrounds, or how old we may be -- are the same for a lot of us: Tree-trimming. Fighting. Boozing. Sometimes all at the same time. To bastardize Charles Dickens: "God help us. Every one." In our house, putting up the tree was put off ...

Take This Bird and Stuff It: A Cynic’s Guide to Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving used to be a low-maintenance holiday. Now, with everyone in a mad rush to jump into an early grave, Thanksgiving has become the pre-game show to Christmas. Worse yet, many employers use the three-day Thanksgiving work week to bust the balls of employees and try to squeeze five days worth of work into three. That's if you happen to have a job that closes ...

Happy Birthday, Mom … from The Coozi Fan Club

July 26, 2011 - Today would have been my Mom's 60th birthday. It's been nearly six years since she's been gone. I still miss her and think about her and my father every day. My brother and I were fortunate to have two parents were colorful characters who fostered every creative dream we had, who knew how to be a friend to their kids, and ...

Debating “Acceptable” Work Out Music

Lately, I've noticed an unprecedented level of pretentiousness concerning people and their exercise regimens. There are a disturbing amount of people who need a costume to ride a bike. If you're training for the Tour De France, I understand that it may be important to put on your little shorts and bright yellow Under Armour as you veer into traffic with total disregard for the rules ...

Havin’ a Hot Dog at Thug’s Mansion: Memories of Dad

If some of the blogs, websites, and Facebook rantings I've seen online this week for Father's Day are any indicator, a lot of people really don't like their fathers. Real or perceived, I'm sure some of these people have legit reasons for their feelings. While horror movies are top heavy with psycho moms, real life seems to be rampant with psycho dads who aren't nearly ...

Poop: The Great Equalizer – Part (droppin’ a) Deux

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted about my poop.  I was reminded of this watching an episode of House on Monday in which the Patient of the Week was a chronic blogger who wrote about everything – except her own poop.  When the titular catankerous M.D. asked her why she didn’t, she said because it was “gross” and not something people would be interested in.  Apparently, ...

Fart the Herald Angels Sing: A Christmas Shopping Story

Is anyone else burnt out on all this “holiday cheer”? Days before Halloween — not even before Thanksgiving – Rite Aid aisles were already clogged with tinsel, wrapping paper, and Santa Claus hats right alongside wolfman masks. It wasn’t even Thanksgiving yet, and radio stations had been “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” non-stop. One of my co-workers (who I actually like a lot, her wretched taste in ...

Poop: The Great Equalizer

It’s funny the things that go through your head at 4:30 in the morning when you’ve been hit with a round of Atomic Hershey Squirts. It’s even funnier the things that go through your colon when you’re crapping your brains out in the early hours of dawn. Having been sacked with some intestinal bug that’s been going around, I (thankfully) awoke in the middle of the night ...

Norman Fellation

Norman Fellation [náwr men   fe láy sh'n] – n. definition: The act of making exaggerated facial expressions or bodily movements to a non-existant camera in response to acts of stupidity on the part of those around you in the manner of sitcom actor, Norman Fell, noted for mugging the camera and breaking the fourth wall. I had an interesting conversation with my brother the other night that ...