Why I’d Rather Be Dutch Ovened By Ernest Borgnine Than Morrissey

Filed under - Rejected Collegiate Essay Topics: In 500 words or more, defend your position as to why you would rather be Dutch Ovened by either Ernest Borgnine or Morrissey. You must pick one or the other and cannot say "neither." Give specific reasoning behind your choice, backed by either qualitative or quantitative evidence. You may also cite personal preference to be Dutch Ovened by one ...

5 Characters In Search of a Way Out of The Friend Zone

There comes a time in everyone's life where they find themselves falling for a friend. You think that the bond you share can be escalated to a deeper, more romantic level. Sometimes, you get the fairy tale. Other times, you hear the magic words: "I don’t want to ruin our friendship.” That's when your worst fears have been confirmed: You've been banished to the dark ...

Not Just Poop: Other Weird Things You Find Working in a Library

Philadelphia has its share of colorful characters who have a penchant for disturbing, yet hilarious antics. We can proudly lay claim to being the home of the Swiss Cheese Pervert and now we can look to nearby Bryn Mawr for our latest noteworthy miscreant: the guy who took a dump in his local library.  According to a cadre of librarians from around the country quoted by ...

The Gross Misuse of the Word “Exciting” Must Stop

Words are my trade, which is why I take particular umbrage when some are abused or thrown about with zero regard. While I firmly believe that anyone who uses the expressions "my bad," "I can't even," or "Sunday Funday" with a straight face and zero sense of irony should be beaten with a boat oar, there are several words that are grossly overused -- if not ...

Justice for Doom: Will Filmdom Ever Get This Comic Book Villain Right?

Victor Von Doom always gets the shit end of the stick. Especially when it comes to the way he's portrayed on film. Doctor Doom is arguably one of the most multi-faceted villains in all of comics. As originally conceived by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby, Doctor Doom had an air of mystery, tragedy, and nobility. Until recently in comics, Doom had been the type of villain that, ...

Three’s A Crowd, Especially On YouTube

Ah! The Internet! Not only has the World Wide Web made this world a little smaller, technology has also presented each of us with many an opportunity to say, "Thank God I'm not them." Case in point: The goof who decided to send a video introducing himself to his fiancée's best friend and broaching the delicate topic of having a three-way. And unwittingly posted it ...

The Great Video Controversy: VH1 Denies Type O Negative

President Barack Obama should consider himself fortunate that VH1 did not tabulate the votes on November 6th, 2012. If so, there would have undoubtedly been some ballot box manipulation and abject partiality as displayed by the network's glaring denial of the people's choice where it concerned the "America's Hard 100" countdown. Over 34% of fans who voted on VH1's website cast their ballot for goth metal ...

Van Halen Gets a Shitty “Tattoo”

In a recent installment, I ran down a list of unintentionally hilarious moments in hair metal history. At the time, I wrongly assumed that accidental humor was the sole proprietorship of rock videos made between 1985 and 1995. Now, it's 2012 and seminal pop metal band Van Halen not only resurrected David Lee Roth as their lead singer, but they've also brought back unintentional humor in ...

Objects I Have Been Hit In the Head With – Part 2 of 4

Welcome back for Part 2 of a four-part series on (as the title suggests) "Objects I Have Been Hit In the Head With." This next object made contact with my head a year and a half after the previous one (a vintage 1970s stacked heel boot). And believe you me, this next object was a good deal heavier and a lot scarier than being clobbered ...