Sidewalk Stories: Flamin’ Hot Lovers Spat

Every picture tells a story -- but sometimes you have to imagine it. Right now, spring is in full bloom. And so are heated lovers spats involving Flamin' Hot Cheetos stomped into the sidewalk -- a metaphor for the ages, indicative of a fiery passion that burned out of control. At least, I think that's what happened. Unsolved Mysteries with Snack Foods I was looking down at the ...

A Guide to Writing Bad Erotic Fiction

I've always had a love of words and genre-based fiction. One genre I haven't delved into is erotica. In the spirit of experimentation, I'm trying my sticky, cramped-up hand at it. But I don't want to write just any erotica. Certainly not the pablum peddled in best-sellers and most appreciated when read aloud by the late, great Gilbert Gottfried. Nope. I want to write bad ...

A Misanthrope’s Guide to the Clean Girl Aesthetic

I keep seeing this Clean Girl aesthetic everywhere online, accompanied by a litany of Clean Girl “rules” to follow. I dunno. It sounds pretty insulting to everyone else. Like you’re just a Dirty Skank if you’re not a Clean Girl. Why not just call it, “Basic Bitch, Fresh Out of the Shower”? Essentially, the Clean Girl aesthetic takes the "no-makeup makeup look" to obnoxious levels, ...

In Defense of Halloween III: Season of the Witch

As a devout fan of the genre, I've often found myself defending some of my choices of horror movies. Despite being a "genre of the people," horror snobs sometimes sneer down their noses at certain flicks for one reason or another. One such film that gets a lot of flack is Halloween III: Season of the Witch.  Released in 1982, this unfairly maligned, redheaded stepchild of ...

Fuck You, 2022!

Picture it: New Year's Eve. 2021. I was in the kitchen, attempting to slice up a baguette that had gotten unexpectedly rock hard. (Heh. That's what she said!) While sawing through the stubborn stick of bread, the serrated knife sliced through the tip of my pinky, unleashing a geyser of blood. I aborted the bread mission and angrily chucked it in the trash. Partly out ...

A New Year’s Herring Sandwich For Luck

The last two years have been a real pisser, eh? Coming off another hard candy pandemic Christmas, feelings of weariness are mingled with a glimmer of cautious optimism. I'm still hopeful that 2022 has good things in store for all of us, if we're so inclined to look for a silver lining. That said, do you know what else has a silver lining? Pickled herring! Stay ...

Another Pandemic Christmas

In a 21-month period that's been a constant stream of anxiety, panic porn, and incessant carrot-dangling with regard to the promise of a return to normalcy, it would seem that the holiday season would offer a welcome respite from the 24-7 fuckery. Rather, the pressure to be cheerful, upbeat, and cling to tradition on top of feeling as if you're living in a prequel to ...

Breakfast Sandwich Showdown: Wawa Sizzli vs. Dunkin’ Sweet Pepper Bacon Croissant

With the weather getting nicer and being short on ideas, I thought I'd kick it back to the old days of reviewing fast food items -- specifically, fast food items garnished with bacon. Having a hankering for something substantial-yet-salty, I decided to compare two take-away breakfast sandwiches comprised of bacon, egg, and cheese on a croissant: Dunkin' Donuts' Sweet Pepper Bacon Croissant and Wawa's Bacon ...

2am Thoughts: The Legend of Scattin’ Sam

Laying awake at 2am in the dark, my mind drifted to thoughts of the upcoming Spring holidays, Easter and Passover. Both involve a visitation by a mystical entity: the Easter Bunny and the Angel of Death. One brings delightful baskets of candy to good little boys and girls. The other brings, well, death -- unless you've taken the precaution of smearing some lamb's blood over ...