Life’s hard. Sometimes you need a bit of inspiration to get you through. I’m not talking about those bullshit inspirational quotes that appear in front of a stock image of a sunset: “Follow your bliss” or “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.”

Or those alpha douchebag quotes that are almost always accompanied by a photo of a lion roaring: “Go big or go home!” “Pain is temporary! Pride is forever!” “Rise and grind!”

Here’s a quote: “Fuck that shit.”

We’ve got enough bullshit floating around in the world today. Between pandemics, a 24-7 news cycle, perverts, and an all-encompassing feeling of anxiety surrounding everything the light touches, Simba… There’s a lot to digest. The last thing we need are empty platitudes.

Most days, I’ve got nothing. Zero answers. I’m like you. I’m just trying to get through another day.

In the interest of helping a fellow human, I’ve cobbled together a collection of my own, personal (unless otherwise indicated) quotes that don’t really pertain to anything, yet pertain to everything at the same time.

I won’t call these quotes “wisdom,” because, well, I’ve been going through a midlife crisis since I was 12, so I’m the last person to go to if you’re seeking any sort of sage advice. I can merely offer you a different way of viewing things — and hope to make you laugh.

So, fellow traveler on the journey of life, here’s a collection of quotes to help you get through whatever the hell it is you’re going through.

• $1 is the cousin of ‘free.’ – Seriously. If you can’t get giddy about getting something for a dollar, I question if you have a soul.
• I got a McGriddle once. I threw it away. – This was sage wisdom from my father. I believe the McGriddle actually was a dollar, so while it was a “cousin of free,” that shit was gross and Dad felt it was a better option to toss it than eat it. That speaks volumes, considering my father was a child of The Great Depression and didn’t waste anything.
• Get underwear that fits.
  
• You can’t be an overflowing bucket of empathy for everyone. Quite frankly, not everyone deserves your empathy.
  
• Sometimes, you can be sad enough that you just cry out those Doritos.
• Jumpsuits are like a hug for your whole body. – Especially if they’re made from a cozy material.
• You have friends — good friends — because your partner or family cannot be every single thing to you. And it’s not fair to them for you to expect them to be, either. You need friends to help those other facets of your personality get a chance to shine.
  
• I will punch you in your prostate gland. Try me.
• “OK” is the anthem of the butt-hurt.
  
• The light’s always brighter on the other end of the butt plug.

That’s all I’ve got in the tank for now. So how about you, dear reader? What are some personal quotes that have crept their way into your brain at 2am and begged to be unleashed upon the world? Drop ’em in the comments below if you got ’em. Here’s hoping you’re doing well and finding small pockets of joy in the madness that is 2020.