Filed under – Rejected Collegiate Essay Topics:
In 500 words or more, defend your position as to why you would rather be Dutch Ovened by either Ernest Borgnine or Morrissey. You must pick one or the other and cannot say “neither.” Give specific reasoning behind your choice, backed by either qualitative or quantitative evidence. You may also cite personal preference to be Dutch Ovened by one or the other, from a moral or ethical standpoint, as well.
Dutch Ovening: Named for a large cooking pot with a lid, the act of Dutch Ovening involves farting beneath the bed covers and pulling the blankets up to trap one’s bedmate’s head beneath them, exposing them to the full, noxious blast of one’s flatulence.
No one wants to be Dutch Ovened. However, if I had to choose between either deceased actor Ernest Borgnine or still-living musician Morrissey, I’d prefer to get gassed by Borgnine. Hands down. Here’s why.
A Slight Difference in Diet
On the spectrum of personalities, you don’t get much more different than Ernest Borgnine and Morrissey. And when it comes to trapping someone in an enclosed space with the stench of one’s own flatulence, character matters, as does one’s capacity for kindness.
While Morrissey appears to have a lot of empathy for animals, he doesn’t seem too keen on humans. The former lead singer of The Smiths is an avowed vegan, political crankypants, and The Guy Most Likely To Not Show Up At his Own Concerts. If you pay for a ticket to a Morrissey show, it’s a crapshoot whether or not he shows up to perform.
However, when he does perform, he does have a rather flavorful tour rider, packed with curry, cauliflower, and bean enchiladas — all things that can produce some serious gas. Yet, this tasty tour rider runs contrary to what Moz says he eats — namely, a rather bland diet. Is Morrissey lying? The guy doesn’t look like he eats a carb-heavy diet, as he says he does. Is this indicative of him being an untruthful person — or merely luring others into a false sense of security that, were he to Dutch Oven them, it might not be so bad?
While I give Morrissey credit for being an advocate for animals, I feel a little iffy about him on a personal level, given his inability to show up to perform for paying fans and potentially fudging details about his diet.
Contrast this with Ernest Borgnine, star of such films as Marty (which earned him an Oscar), The Wild Bunch, Escape From New York, The Vikings, and the classic television show, McHale’s Navy.
Despite looking like a meat-and-potatoes kinda guy, Borgnine himself was a vegetarian. Unlike Morrissey who, as a vegan, abstains from dairy and eggs, Borgnine indulged in a lacto-ovo vegetarian diet.
In his 90s, Borgnine credited both his vegetarian diet and daily regimen of masturbation for his longevity.
By contrast, Morrissey has claimed to be celibate at various points in his career. While the deliberately obtuse vocalist never mentioned if his celibacy extended to abstaining from waxing his own carrot, perhaps his dour demeanor might improve if he took a page out of the cheerful Borgnine’s book and beat his own(vegan) meat on the daily.
Go With a Pro
If you’re gonna get Dutch Ovened, you may as well go with someone who knows what they’re doing.
Infamously, Ernest Borgnine’s 1964 marriage to Broadway singer Ethel Merman lasted only 42 days. They bickered constantly, lobbing obscenities and insults at one another during their brief union. The straw that allegedly broke the camel’s back was that Ernest Borgnine subjected The Merm to a Dutch Oven, thus prompting divorce proceedings to be filed.
In an odd coincidence, Borgnine’s character in The Wild Bunch, was named “Dutch.” Perhaps Sam Peckinpah was aware of the actor’s proclivity for Dutch Ovening others. In another footnote of irony, Borgnine gave his voice talents to the character of Mermaid Man, an elderly superhero on SpongeBob SquarePants. Merman? Mermaid Man? Hmm…
Borgnine himself owned up to the fact that he wasn’t always the best domestic partner, contributing to the demise of four out of five of his marriages. He remained married to his fifth and final wife, Tova, for 39 years. (Hey, sometimes it takes a little while to find out who you are and also find the right person!)
A Difference in Demeanor
In contrast to Morrissey dipping out on his own shows and disappointing fans, lovable Ernest Borgnine hopped on a bus in 1996 to meet fans across the country, resulting in a documentary film called (what else but) Ernest Borgnine on the Bus. In addition, he did a good amount of charity work, focusing on veterans and visiting patients at VA hospitals throughout the U.S. By all accounts, Borgnine seemed like a real jam up guy.
Mellowed by age, the affable Ernie seems like the type of person who wouldn’t be malicious about Dutch Ovening you. In fact, he’d be downright grandfatherly about it. I imagine he’d simply rip one, pull the covers over your head, guffaw heartily, and then release the blankets with a gruff “You’re alright kid!” and ruffle your hair.
A Dutch Ovening at the hands (or cheeks) of Morrissey, however, might be a more mirthless affair. I’d imagine him, pupils dilated, whispering “meat is murder” in an ominous voice before yanking the sheets up and blasting you with the full-force of his farts.
There’s no way around it: If you’re getting Dutch Ovened by either a vegan or a vegetarian, it’s going to stink. (I can personally attest to the fact that the worst farts I’ve ever smelled came from my own ass after eating a pot of vegan tofu chili and ripping farts so bad that I wished I could divorce myself.)
However, if you’re going to have someone expose you to their flatus in an incredibly tight space, it would be preferable to have it done by a jovial individual. For that reason, I’d rather be downwind of Ernest Borgnine than Morrissey’s loose goose.