Ah! The Internet! Not only has the World Wide Web made this world a little smaller, technology has also presented each of us with many an opportunity to say, “Thank God I’m not them.”
Case in point: The goof who decided to send a video introducing himself to his fiancée’s best friend and broaching the delicate topic of having a three-way. And unwittingly posted it publicly on YouTube. (Note: The original video has since been removed by the poster from YouTube, however, the UK’s DailyMail had the foresight to grab a copy of the clip before the original went tits-up.)
As far as I’m concerned, this is a horrible breach of etiquette. What happened to the days of introducing yourself in person to the woman who would be one-third of your uncomfortable sexual tryst? Doing so via digital means is just so uncouth and impersonal. (And what’s with the sub par film quality? What are you working with there, buddy? A 2MP phone camera, or did you just smear Vaseline on the lens?)
He’s probably the type of guy who has a threesome and doesn’t even bother to send thank you note afterwards. For shame!
We’ve already ascertained that Zack (the blundering would-be Don Juan who accidentally posted the clip) is not the sharpest tool in the shed, what with not being able to distinguish a “Send Message” button from a “Humiliate Yourself On YouTube” button. That said, let’s talk about this guy’s game.
Noting just how smooth this cat comes across on film, I’m wondering how the Zack Attack managed to convince his fiancée to go for a three-way. Was it something she suggested to her friend Zoey? Or was Zoey the token Slut Friend that everyone seems to have, albeit the strain of Slut Friend who randomly says, “Hey! I’ve never had a threesome with a guy in the mix! How about we bone your fiance together!?”
Don’t you love how this douche attempts to legitimize things by referring to his girlfriend as his “fiancée”? Take notes, guys: when you refer to your slam piece as your “fiancée,” it makes the idea of a threesome a whole lot more palatable.
As for the intended recipient of this video, one can only imagine her reaction upon seeing this splashed about on YouTube: “Wow. I always wanted to have a three-way with Samwise Gamgee.”
Perhaps YouTube Threesome Guy’s greatest achievement is how he manages to pack a lifetime’s worth of hilarity into under two minutes. His fumbling monologue sees him vacillate between raging bouts of overconfidence and bottom-scraping social ineptitude.
Talk about playing it cool, on the subject of three-ways, he notes: “Which is something I’ve never done in my life before, obviously.”
Yes. It’s pretty obvious.
From there, he gets a little bolder: “Frankly, it’s something I’ve never done in my entire life. And, uh, I could just about bet that with that, you know, I could possibly show things that were… that you never seen … and maybe we could do things that were never done in a three-way.”
I, for one, would love to know what sort of things he was planning on doing that had never been done in a three-way. Judging by the state of the room behind him, perhaps they could have a three-way on an unmade bed piled high with two weeks worth of unwashed clothes. Don’t know if that’s ever been done in a three-way, but by gum, this guy’s gonna bring the thrills!
Or maybe he was planning on whipping out a few of these scenarios to spice things up:
- Playing a harmonica with his ass while dumping a bag of Cheetos over his head
- Hand one chick a King Kong mask, hand the other a Godzilla mask, and then just hang back with a video camera to capture the epic tussle for (blurry) digital posterity while dressed as Fay Wray
- Create an exclusive soundtrack for said three-way comprised of Toby Keith and Insane Clown Posse mash-ups
As for timing, this is where he really tries to play it cool: “It could be this week. It could be next week… Or whatever, you know.”
Like, we’re just gonna have a threesome. No big whoop. Whenever.
Which is a nice segue from the dude’s self-assured bravado (“we could do things that were never done in a threeway”) and utterly awkward passivity.
And uh, I just figured it would be something we could do sometime.”
The phrase “I just figured it would be something we could do sometime,” is usually reserved for when you’re in your freshman year of high school and you ask a dude if he wants to go with you to the Dairy Queen at the food court in the mall on a date.
(And he turns you down.) It’s not really appropriate lingo for broaching the topic of a threesome.
Someone really needs to write an etiquette book on how to properly conduct yourself before, during, and after a three-way.
January 31, 2013