Porn! It’s all the rage this season! When the economy is lagging, if there’s one thing that serves as a port of comfort, it’s the mass-telegraphed act of two or more people (and sometimes animals) bumping uglies on film.
Just this past week, the King of Porn (and one of my personal heroes in the realm of free speech), Larry Flynt put out a call on Craigslist seeking a Sarah Palin lookalike to star in a new porno film that he’s producing . The title has yet to be released, but internet speculation has been rampant with titles like “Nailin’ Palin” and “Drill Baby Drill” as fan-favorite frontrunners.
While it’s expected of Larry Flynt to keep his finger on the porn-pounded pulse of popular culture, sending up sex and satire in a single serving, even the mainstream is getting in on the act.
Director and auteur Kevin Smith has a new movie coming (or is it “cumming”?) into theatres on October 31st entitled Zack and Miri Make a Porno. The film stars Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks as two purely platonic live-in pals who are feeling the crunch for cash. In order to make rent money, Zack (Rogen) and Miri (Banks) band together with their friends to make an amateur porno film.
The trailer for this film looks hilarious. While watching it, I found myself agreeing with the character Zach’s observation: “The ones I liked when I was a kid, it was always a spoof of a popular movie.” The name that the characters come up with for their film is an obvious parody on perhaps one of the greatest film franchises of all times, resulting in… “Star Whores.”
Ironically, not too long ago, my co-workers (who have a similarly warped sense of humor) and I sat around coming up with fake porno movie parody titles. Stuff like this with my co-workers is a rather regular occurrence. There have been times where we’ve spent almost entire lunch periods attempting to come up with as many colorful names as possible for the female genitalia and male ejaculatory fluid. When you finally find a group of people who are as screwed up as you, you have to seize any opportunity you can to drop phrases like “ham wallet” and “salty dick snot” into the conversation without fear of retribution.
But I digress! One day back in December, while most of the office was away on holiday vacation and the work load was extremely slow, I decided to sit down and concoct a list of porn parody titles to pass the time, putting my own, foul spin on titles of mainstream movies. (And yes, Star Whores was one of those that popped into my head. If Kevin Smith thought of it, too, I’d like to think I’m in distinguished company.)
I decided to share this ribald list of fake fuck flicks I penned with my co-workers. No one has reported me to management for sexual harassment or inappropriate office behavior, so that must mean they really liked them! Sometimes, during particularly rough days, they ask me to take out the list and read it aloud to give them a laugh.
I’ll let you, dear reader, decide if I have missed my true calling as creative force behind porno parodies. Or as one of those people who writes witty catalog descriptions for porno movies. God, I would love that job! I sometimes marvel at and envy the brilliance of the writer for porno movie descriptions is for the Adult Movies Unlimited catalogue and wish I could have a job that cool. Big ups to them, whomever they are!
For the curious, I’ve re-printed the list of titles I had come up with for your reading pleasure. They’ve been lumped into categories, based on the types of films that they’re parodying. My apologies if I accidentally cribbed porno parody titles that are already out there.
Classics
The Wad Father
Groin With the Wind
Apocuntlips Now
The Magnificent Sodom
Silence of the Mams
Willy Wanker and the Condom Factory
Bravetwat
Full Metal Jerk It
Lawrence of My Labia
12 Angry Men in My Ass
The Good, The Bad, and The Horny
They Screw Horses, Don’t They?
Spooge Hand Luke
The Cocktease Falcon
Yank My Doodle It’s a Dandy
Sci Fi
V For Vagina
Sex Men
The Sperminator
Star Whores (I came up with it before I saw Kevin Smith put it in the movie, so I’ll claim it for now!)
Planet of the Gapes
The Dirt Road Warrior
2000-Cum: A Bukkake Odyssey
Invasion of the Snatch Snatchers
Mad Max: Fury Choad
Recent Films (or Fairly Recent Films)
Tight Club
Glad-he-ate-her
Orifice Space
“Train” Spotting
Requiem for a Ream
Ed’s Wood
Needle Juice
Cum and Cummer
The Bone Identity
Lord of the Cock Rings: The Two Boners
Fill Bill – Volumes 1 and 2
Tits-tanic
Dances with Whores
Schindler’s Fist
American History Sex
The Groan Mile
Mystic Quiver
The Squirt Locker
The Dallas Boners Club
Bareback to the Future
So there you have it! A flood of filth for your reading pleasure! Tune in sometime in the near future for a sequel to this list!
Updated 8/6/2022
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