Fart the Herald Angels Sing: A Christmas Shopping Story

Is anyone else burnt out on all this “holiday cheer”? Days before Halloween — not even before Thanksgiving – Rite Aid aisles were already clogged with tinsel, wrapping paper, and Santa Claus hats right alongside wolfman masks. It wasn’t even Thanksgiving yet, and radio stations had been “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” non-stop. One of my co-workers (who I actually like a lot, her wretched taste in ...

Poop: The Great Equalizer

It’s funny the things that go through your head at 4:30 in the morning when you’ve been hit with a round of Atomic Hershey Squirts. It’s even funnier the things that go through your colon when you’re crapping your brains out in the early hours of dawn. Having been sacked with some intestinal bug that’s been going around, I (thankfully) awoke in the middle of the night ...

We’re Not Gonna Take It: Concert Etiquette 101

(Originally featured on RockEuphoria.com) It seems a new breed has taken over concert venues from coast to coast. Beamed down straight from the mother ship, as a good friend and concert-buddy of mine once expounded, the douche pods have indeed hatched. The result is a mass infiltration of douchedom injected into even the best concert experience. Formerly quarantined to the cheap seats, this new breed has bought into ...

Centaurs: Hot or Not? Yay or Neigh?

This weekend, I was kicking back and watching TV with my boyfriend when a commercial featuring a showering centaur shilling for Old Spice popped on the tube. [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06TBhGrzyN4] Asking a perfectly, normal, rational question, my significant other posed to me a conundrum stemming from the commercial regarding the implications of interspecial attraction and ensuing relations: “Do chicks find centaurs attractive?” I paused to think for a moment. I couldn’t ...

Censoring Zack and Miri… plus Fake Porno Parody Titles 2 – The TV Edition!

Well, well, well. Aren’t we quite the puritanical society? Apparently, you can’t say the word “porno” on TV. George Carlin isn’t even cold in the ground yet and we’re already adding new words to the list of things you can’t say on television. Several major markets have refused to air ads for Kevin Smith’s new film due in theatres October 31st, Zack and Miri Make a ...

Junk Mail: The Penis Picture Epidemic

Members of the male persuasion, I ask you, why do some of you insist upon sending pictures of your penis to unsuspecting women online? Apparently, this epidemic has reached such proportions that even mens’ magazine GQ has taken the time to address that a gentleman should never email a picture of his penis. It’s probably not too far off before Hustler starts admonishing its readers ...

Porno Parody Title Fun!

Porn! It's all the rage this season!  When the economy is lagging, if there's one thing that serves as a port of comfort, it's the mass-telegraphed act of two or more people (and sometimes animals) bumping uglies on film. Just this past week, the King of Porn (and one of my personal heroes in the realm of free speech), Larry Flynt put out a call on ...

R.I.P. “Night Court” at 7AM on TV Land

Damn you, TV Land. Damn you to hell for moving Night Court from its 7AM slot to 8AM when I’m already on the bus and on my way into work. My mornings just won’t be the same anymore. Watching Night Court at 7AM was to me what a second cup of coffee in the morning is to most people. It was the bright spot in my ...

Riding SEPTA with Kid n’ Play … And a Walk Down Memory Lane

Sometimes, you just have to make your own entertainment. Having found myself in something of a funk this week and last, I started meditating on the simple things that I can be happy about.  Sure, I don’t have another beach-side vacation lined up and I’m not hitting another show until the end of August… But there are some times when you just need to stop and appreciate ...

I hate you, FreeCreditReport.com Guy. I really hate you.

A certain series of commercials have really been chapping my ass as of late. Undoubtedly, you too have probably seen those FreeCreditReport.com commercials, replete with pithy jingles lauding the importance of checking that all-important credit score that determines just how often you shit, eat, get laid, etc. The star of these commercials is some Average Joe schlub with an accoustic guitar and oh-so fashionably shabby wardrobe ...