Junk Mail: The Penis Picture Epidemic

Members of the male persuasion, I ask you, why do some of you insist upon sending pictures of your penis to unsuspecting women online? Apparently, this epidemic has reached such proportions that even mens’ magazine GQ has taken the time to address that a gentleman should never email a picture of his penis. It’s probably not too far off before Hustler starts admonishing its readers about this sort of behavior, too.

Nearly every female I know has had at least one guy send them unsolicited pictures of their wang. It’s one thing if someone asks to see a picture of your skin wagon. Because yes, sometimes, a gal doesn’t mind a little dick in the ol’ (in)box. However, it’s an entirely other set of circumstances when you take it upon yourself to unwillingly bust a girl’s email hymen with snapshots of your junk.

Is this purely an internet age phenomenon based on instant gratification? Do you think the great lovers throughout history fueled their passionate affairs by sending their beloved pictures of their man meat? Even if photography wasn’t around centuries ago, can you honestly picture Marc Antony tracing a picture of his penis onto the back of his military strategy maps and sending it to Cleopatra? Would Romeo have shown Juliet just what “rises in the east” rather than court her with such flowery language?

Didn’t think so.

It would be folly to think that some sort of romance is associated with sending penis pictures. Love and sex are two mutually exclusive entities. One does not necessarily equate — or lead to — the other. Chances are, the guy sending them may have some exhibitionist tendencies. Or, he’s just hoping that the recipient will send back some nudies in return. Like most of the dating scene in the 21st century, romance doesn’t enter into the equation so much as the prospect of getting your dick wet. Only in this case, you’re still the one spitting on it.

With that in mind, do you really think that the (un)lucky recipients of your prized penile pictures will “ooh” and “ahh” at the site of your unsheathed johnson? Are you deluded enough to think that sending a shot of your dick is going to earn you a date with some self-respecting female? Guess again!

Do you know what we ladies do with these pictures? We don’t immediately find ourselves overcome by the captured image of your manhood and rub one out at the keyboard. We don’t fan ourselves and compose our thoughts, wondering how to text you in full, glorious, Letters to Penthouse-detail about our unbridled lust called forth by this volunteered visual aid.

No. What we do is call our friends over and make fun of you. Or, more specifically, we make fun of your dick. Words like “sooooo hot!” and “Holy jeez, I wanna lick that!” don’t drop out of our mouths. Words like “loser” and “Get a load of this freakshow!” do.

Chances are, on the rare occasions where I’ve received unsolicited penis pictures in my inbox, most of my friends and co-workers will get wind of it by the time everyone hits the water cooler. And we laugh like the dickens!

I can recall the one time when a particularly persistent pusher of the peen pictoral had sent some truly disturbing shots of his salami, I shared the humor and horror of with my good friend MB (who, incidentally, writes a great, insightful, and completely hilarious blog that you should read) . While some women can reference “that cute waiter at that café in France… What was his name? Jean Luc!!”, my friend and I can reminisce about this creep with the name we referred to him by: “The Futon Fucker.”

Apparently, I wasn’t the only one getting these shots. (Damn! And I thought I was special!) There were quite a few ladies in a certain social circle who received these rather distinctive photos of this dude putting the make on his mattress.

He wasn’t the first guy to send a picture of his package… And he wouldn’t be the last. Every girl I know has received these types of pictures on more than one occasion from more than one source.

In attempting to understand this craze, it makes sense in the way that sending out pictures of your penis online is the cheapest date of all that promises you never even have to leave the privacy of your own home. There’s little risk involved of STDs or having to shell out money for a glimpse at some girl parts. While understandable, it’s another telltale symptom that speaks volumes about how communication has taken a giant step backwards rather than evolving.

Even more than why some of you insist upon sending your dick pics to women, I would like to know if there is a specific school of photography out there that teaches you how to take pictures of your ‘nads? It doesn’t matter who sends the photo because they all look the same, barring more or less megapixel quality.

Give or take a throbbing vein or two occupying different coordinates of your “battleship,” these photos look astonishingly alike. It’s the same ol’ schlong and dance showcased against a backdrop of upper thigh. Most of the angles are the same and curiously, the rest of the guy’s body and/or face is absent from the shot. It’s just a full frontal assault of a random, faceless guy’s raging boner.

And who’s to say just how “raging” that boner may be? Good photography is all about angles. Even the most heinous E-Harmony reject can still take a good photo so long as your focus omits their ham steak-like arms from the shot. I’m sure the same goes for someone’s pecker. From the right angle, a Millimeter Peter can look like King Schlong ready to topple the Empire State building, thus pulling off a photographical coup known as the “Tool Fool,” tricking the recipient into believing your packin’ a lot more heat than what your gun was already pre-loaded with.

The prime focus of these photos is always the penis. Take a gander around the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist and you’ll see a number of shots of dudes dongs. Just dudes dongs.

Then again, I can understand why some of you might not want to capture your face in the same photo as your meat wand. On the off chance a chick may be interested in your batch, seeing your face might turn her off. Maybe you’re a hideous troll whose very visage could make a girl’s gulch dry up like a piece of crumbling Egyptian parchment? While guys critique girls on their looks, we employ the same standards of discrimination, as well: Guys can be butterfaces, too.

Even if you have a big – or even respectably sized schlong – it’s probably best not to show yourself smiling and giving a Fonzie-esque thumbs up alongside your piece, lest it somehow wind up on the desk of your employer or significant other. Just because a guy is married or involved with someone does not mean he won’t engage in this widespread phenomenon. Technically, it’s not cheating to send pictures of your batch to other women. It’s just a photo and I’m sure some cheap thrill is obtained by this. However, sending shots of your dick to chicks is not something you want to explain to the missus, since she’d probably prefer you repaint the living room or mow the lawn with your free time instead of showcasing your amateur photography skills online.

Gentlemen (and in some cases, I use this word loosely), have some respect for yourselves. I’m certainly not a prude, but I’m telling you guys this for your own good: Stop sending women unwanted pictures of your wiener.

On one hand, it’s gross and disturbing. On the other hand (the one you’re whacking off with), it’s disrespectful and demeaning not just to the woman you send it to, but also to yourself. If a girl asks you to send her a picture of your junk, then by all means…Game on! If not, by sending these pictures – or even having a collection of pictures of your dick on your hard drive – you’re devaluing yourself as a person and identifying a large (or not so large) part of yourself with a single image: Your penis.

While there are guys who are a hideous mess from the neck up (hey, maybe they have a great personality!), there are some really attractive guys who find much more confidence with a solo shot of just their pecker than they do with a headshot of them hanging out (no pun intended) with friends.

Sure, a lot of us girls are rotten, petty bitches. But there are a few of us out there who just might like you for who you are and see you as something more than a life-support system for a dick. Even if you’re socially inept, there are better ways to gratify yourself than furthering this practice.

The best way to introduce yourself to someone is by extending your hand….Not extending something else.

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